Ocean deep in
by Rain-love-fucking-sucks
Summary: Tegan explains everything. Everything that happened. Everything about her feelings. Everything about Sara. Everything about her. And everything about the... ocean. One shot, TEGAN AND SARA, QUINCEST, QUINDOM


Ocean deep in

Like in every good story (or bad story for that matter) must be a good (or a bad for that matter) conflict of the heart. A love triangle for the best. For the cliché. Like someone once said: everything is already written. So why bother with trying to write something new when there is this beautiful and safe thing called cliché triangle-love affair?

I'll tell you why. Because everybody fucking hates cliché triangle-love affair stories, that's why! And I feel so very very bad for writing this but it's not like I want to. It's not like I enjoy creating these horrible stories, no. This one happened. Is happening. Maybe is not really happening maybe I'm only imagining it. I've been told I imagine a lot of things. I say that to myself. I need a constant reminder of how my brain works. Badly, I'd say.

So anyway, back to this love story. It's not even a love story, really. For that, I'd have to be capable of feeling love and I am not. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing. Bad probably, I'd say. I can get easily attached to people so it would be a lot easier if I could also fall in love with them. But the world never really liked me so why would it make it easier for me?

Maybe it's karma, maybe it's fate, maybe it's destiny, I don't know. I don't believe in any of those. But I also don't believe in coincidences. Or God. What do I believe in? I believe in love. I only can't feel it, no big deal. It's not like I've never felt it. Maybe I can feel it, maybe I'm feeling it now. Probably not. It would be too easy. Like I said, I don't do easy, it's never been easy. Especially with them.

Sara always says that Christina left or we moved or whatever but it's not so true. She came back. Although, I wish she didn't. After all, she's the cause of this all, she's the reason why I'm writing this. It's all her fault I can't feel love. Well, and Sara's. Maybe it's even more Sara's fault. Yes. I'd say it's Sara's fault. Indirect fault but still fault.

The thing is, our relationship has never been completely normal. Maybe it's the thing that we were supposed to be one person, maybe it's the fact that we're both gay, I don't know. It's also more of a one way thing, I'd say. I think Sara feels something for me too, I just don't know what it is. And maybe I'm only imagining it.

But I've always felt something more for her. She was my little sister. I wanted to protect her from everything. I wanted to be her hero, I don't know why. And I've always been kinda jealous when Sara was with someone other than me. Christina included.

Christina Simpson was the popular girl even when we were five and even though I didn't like her for stealing my Sara away I liked her as a... I don't know. I wasn't sexually attracted to her, we were five after all, but I wanted her to like me. I wanted her to notice me.

She was the only girl except Sara whose attention I wanted. It's always been like that. But Sara wanted her attention too. It's always been like that. And that's where it gets complicated. And since then, it's always been like that. It's always been complicated.

I remember the day she left. Sara was broken. I needed to comfort her. There was a storm that night and we both were afraid of thunderstorms. I was more, I'd say. Yes. But the feelings I had for Sara have always been stronger than any fear.

I sneaked into her room and went to hold her shaking body. Everything was wet from her tears. My heart died. I hugged her to me and we never really used to hug each other but she held onto me for her dear life, I felt her breath, I felt her heart, I felt her pain and I felt her love for the girl who wasn't me. That was the moment I realized something was different.

I won't call it love. It wasn't love. It was something else. It was stronger. Wider. Hungrier. Angrier. More painful. And I felt it for my sister.

My little sister. The baby I was supposed to protect. I fell in... Ocean with her.

Yes, let's call it ocean. It's big, it's huge. It's unreliable. It's dangerous. It's strong and deep and angry and beautiful and specious and it stings in your eyes and it wants to drown you and yet it's keeping you alive. I fell in ocean with my sister. And the more you fight against the ocean the deeper you drown, the more you suffer, the longer you can't breathe. And the more you want to get out.

The seeming way out came with the return of Christina. She was more beautiful, she was smarter, she looked like a woman now and my hormones were reminding me of that every time I saw her.

We started hanging out. I fell in love with her. And then my world crashed down when Sara told me they were dating.

I'd finally forgotten about the ocean I felt for Sara thanks to Christina's soft words, blond hair and perky breasts and then she stole my way out from me. But I wanted her to be happy. I wanted Sara to be happy and I wanted Christina to be happy so I just said congratulations and went to cry and smoke pot with Jeremy.

But that asshole said everything about my feelings for Christina to Sara and she confronted me about them one night.

I thought she would be angry. She wasn't. She had known there was something wrong with me. She had known I wasn't happy all the time and she had thought it could be also because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was gay. Little she knew...

So when she found out that I loved Christina, that I admitted to myself that I was gay and that I could be happy with her girlfriend, she suggested she would break up with her.

"What the actual fuck, Sara?! You can't be serious!"

"I am," she said calmly. "You probably loved her first and, like, I can have any girl I want anyway..."

"But you love her and she loves you, I'm fine!"

"Maybe you're fine but you aren't happy. I could make you happy."

 _Oh, you have no idea..._

"Do you really think watching her suffer would make me happy? Do you think watching you suffer would make me happy?! Are you fucking insane?!"

"Tegan, calm down, no one will suffer. You will be there for her. Everyone will be happy."

At that point I felt nothing but fear. A great, great fear. Bigger than the ocean maybe.

"You won't be happy..."

"Who cares about me?"

 _I do._

"Christina does."

"Well, she won't. She will care about you. Everyone. Will. Be. Happy."

"No one. No one will be happy. Sara, please don't do that. I'm begging you, I will do anything, please don't break up with her."

"Why? You should be happy, don't you understand? I'm giving her to you!"

"BUT I DON'T WANT HER!"

And that was true. I didn't want her anymore. The fear I felt drowned every other emotion I felt. No love. No lust. No sadness. Just fear. And a bit of an anger.

But after all, that's how it's always been. I've always been afraid. I've always been ocean deep afraid. Ocean deep angry. Ocean deep sad. Ocean deep hurt. Ocean deep dead. Ocean deep alive. And ocean deep... In love with my sister.

I guess it's love after all. It's always been love. Just ocean deep stronger.

But since that night I can't be sure, really. The fear drowned almost everything. The fear almost drowned the ocean.


End file.
